o christmas tree,,,,,,,

how lovely are thy branches.

Does anyone know the rest of the words to that song? cause i think they don't exist.

iouhjkbgofdisjkabmhczuxivomfjksid

Ah the week of the finals. Technically is the work before the finals, but really its the same thing. Why is it so much harder to just do your work this week? Seriously, it's physically harder! I find myself doing the dishes, cleaning my room, or posting tons of blogs because I am incapable of studying. I am in denial of the effect my procrastination will have on my grades.... o dear. I am in a pickle.

Grrrr

My newest friend is a bit grumpy. He is being silent and moody and I can't figure out why. His usual quirky and playful nature have subdued and he just dazes off into the abyss for hours at a time. I know he may not have an exciting life, or lead extravagant adventures but his sullen behavior is cause for alarm. Perhaps a new hobby? Maybe he needs to look at the bigger picture... Or maybe I should just change the water in his bowl.

labyrinth..

If you have seen the David Bowie classic Labyrinth then this post will sooth your soul.
As I was waiting for the bus yesterday, my Ipod shuffled decided to grace me with the sounds of David (via Golden Years). Then just as the song started to kick up a guy shouted "Jared!" to someone on the far end of the sidewalk. At that almost exact moment a truck drove by with the word "TOBY'S" painted on the side. And THEN a british man walked right past me and answered his phone " ello?"

I needed a moment to process it all. Then I smiled to myself and made my way through the goblin city.

True Story.

O the Irony of it All....

My thoughts are the death of me. I was trying to slumber at a reasonable time tonight. Alas, I cannot force the sand man. I am currently feeling a bit lonely. Everyone has that one person in their life that they measure everyone else up to. That person you can't have for whatever reason, but would do anything for. After unsuccessfully convincing myself that I no longer needed that person in my life, I have given up and decided to just be miserable. The signs are unreadable, but still they are there. In my state of lameness, I just do a little daydreaming, snap out of it, and then simply take my emotional (and sexual) frustration out on someone random. In my lonely state, I have boughten a goldfish. I named him Grrrrr, and he will have to do for now. To the person I can't to seem to shake off my shoulder.. Fuck You.


O, and I started smoking again.

Hello again..

After a long break, I am back. I have not written in about two months. But for those who check in, I've been busy. So back off. Nothing much in my life has changed, same old stuff.. but with new stuff in between. But here's a story to entertain you all:

Recently I went back to volunteer at BMC (Bearskin Meadow Camp), and it was awesome. I got to help kids with that disease that inflicts my pancreas. It was so cool to be back, but as a counselor, not a camper. I loved being a camper, but I felt like I really made a difference this weekend. Thats what occupies my thoughts at this moment in time.

Walgreens on Irving

If you are a craigslister then you know of the "missed connections". I was recently the connection missed.. I randomly decided to visit the page, for the first time... and the first one i looked at was me. I know it was me. The wallgreens on Irving, 6 o clock, shampoo isle.... me. weird.

There's nothing better....

than listening to a record.

No one gets by me

I am observant.

All things go..

I am about to embark on yet again another amazing journey. To the city that holds my heart. I shall make roots there and stay as long as it can hold me. I hope to not come back soon. But who knows... not I.

Lately..

i have been thinking about who names the paint samples at home improvement stores....

swift breeze....

lilac heaven....

cloudy day....

pumpkin seed....

that would be a cool job.

My Fault

Everyone has a stupid quality that just brings them down. I have always known what mine was, but it never hurt anyone, or so I thought. In the end I realized that it truly hurt me. It has severed friendships, buried feelings, and even caused countless nights of insomnia. Two little words are the center of my downfall... i'm sorry. You might think that I am egotistical and can't apologize, or perhaps I find myself above others and see no need to feel sorry. In fact it's just the opposite. I am too quick to forgive, and tend to apologize for things that aren't my fault in order to avoid confrontation. For too many years I have let people push me around, leave me out, blow me off, ignore me, or hurt me, and not done anything about it. Now here's the infuriating part: the people I care most about are taking advantage of my weakness. They are pushing me around, leaving me out, blowing me off, ignoring me, and hurting me because they know I wont be upset. But now I am feeling used, and the words "I'm sorry" I fear will never be heard by my ears. I feel like the world owes me one huge apology, but I wont get it because... it's my fault.

The Generation Gap

May is the month of death apparently.

last year in the month of may we lost a great uncle, followed by a great aunt, followed by yet another great uncle. This may we recently lost the last remaining great aunt in the family. It becomes clearer that the past is getting foggier as we loose the oldest members of the family. The generations get closer and closer to our own and everything important that needs to be passed on now becomes our responsibility. Weird. I fear the day when i am the oldest in my family, and everything i have done will be a thing of the past.

the time has come...

for an awakening.

brushing my teeth

In hopes of being productive i have resorted to procrastination by brushing my teeth three times this morning. It defines a new meaning of pathetic.

Expectations

They are a fickle thing. You have them, you don't necessarily want them. But you need to fulfill them. I am feeling strongly that my expectations have not been met for the past few hours, in general life things. But when they are, you feel happy and complete. I expect to have another boring week full of debating class attendance and work effectiveness. And I expect robots will emerge from inside acorns and demand to know where Bobby Fisher is. One of these will probably fulfill my expectations, and one will not. Only time will tell.. we shall see.

stabby jo

is next to me right now. i havent felt this exhilirated in weeks. :)

Pardon

Pardon me for thinking that I wasn't good enough,
And pardon me for wanting you to look instead of touch.

Pardon me for trying hard to make you love me more,
And pardon you for being blind and showing me the door.

Pardon me for seeing something that simply wasn't there,
Pardon you for believing that I simply did not care.

Pardon you for being nice, when for my sake you shouldn't.
Pardon me for dreaming you to do things that you wouldn't.

Pardon you for being perfect and intoxicating me,
Pardon you for giving me light and helping me to see.

Pardon us for trying, and fixing broken mends.
Pardon us for trying to make it work as simply friends.

Pardon me for living.
Pardon me for breath.

And pardon you forever.

Pardon, I will love you to my death.

Im being followed

As it turns out I am being followed by an old woman with red shoes. I got on the bus promptly at 2:45 and noticed and old woman sitting on the bench with red shoes. After traveling down 19th on the 28 I got off at Judah, an the N line carried me up to UCSF. After doing my important things I waited for the 43 and noticed a pair of red shoes poking out from the bus stop overhang. After realizing it was the same woman, I chuckled and went on with life. I got off at Forrest Hill and and was swept away by the M to Stonestown. After buying yet another pair of jeans I prepared myself to take my last bus to Lake Merced and be done, when alas.. the woman with the red shoes joined me on the 29. I felt strange, but she didnt seem to notice me... which is why i am positive that I am being followed.

overwhelmed

I feel like I am drowning in pre-requisites, units, and the definite feeling of "never being able to catch up". I woke up for the first time in my college career in a panic because I just realized that I am never going to graduate and I am taking all the wrong classes, along with the fact that I want all my questions answered but knowing that they will probably remain unanswered till it's to late. HELP.

Good News!

I am now officially not white. After un-intentional sun bathing I am now a milk shade of tan. GO ME.

On a hungry note, my kitchen has been in construction for weeks and my diet has been limited to sugar free jello and peanuts.

Robotron,

Even though we are to be parted for a whole week, a whole seven days, a whole 168 hours, i will not be sad. I will think of our fun times together and it will keep me going through my week. You are hauntingly beautiful. Long exaggeration short.... i have separation anxiety.

the overlooked trio,

I have recently jumped back into the 90's sound of Hanson. DONT JUDGE. I ran into the song "this time around" in a mess of TV show soundtrack songs. I quickly perked up my ears and found that this song truly made me feel good. Now what better existence for a song, than to make someone feel happy? Even if it is by a group of teen long haired boys who are still discovering puberty.


Its getting colder in this ditch where I lie
Im feeling older and Im wondering why
I heard they told her it was tell and live or die
I didnt know her but I know why she lied
I didnt know her but I know why she died

You cant say I didnt give it
I wont wait another minute
Were on our way this time around
You cant say I didnt give it
I wont wait another minute
Were on our way this time around

And we wont go down

I heard them say that dreams should stay in your head
Well I feel ashamed of the things that Ive said
Put on these chains and you can live a free life
Well Id rather bleed just to know why I die

All I know is that fear has got to go
This time around

Ive started feeling like I dont want to fight
Give in to the given and put out the light
Cannons a blazing shower these moonlit skies
Then I remember and I know why he died
Do you know why I die



see?? joy :)

Art,

hath an enemy called ignorance

not for girls

previously at work I made a new male friend who when asked if he preferred whip cream on his hot chocolate, simply responded: "whip cream is for girls". After I chuckled inside I made it a point to remember this comment because I thought it was funny.
Today my male friend came in again (for the second time that day), all he bought was a power bar, but as he was leaving he said "these are not for girls".

Thanks for the laugh male!

robotron,

I would like to take this 2 inch opportunity to say to you this:
a life without fun dip, is no life at all.
:)

i know

I'd like to think that love is overrated. I'd like to believe that you can feel complete without coming home to someone every night. I'd like to count on the fact that all males are dip shits. More than anything I'd like to make sure that happiness is not intertwined with the word "soul mate". However, I know from the countless number of love songs in my head that love is underrated. I know that completeness is found by someone to hold on to. I am also well aware that most males are fascinating and far from dip shits. And I know that the word "soul mate" is used by those who are. happy.

moth

to my fellow wandering eyes,

I saw something worth noting today. As I was sitting in the backseat of a car I saw a moth floating outside my window. It was dark outside and it look illuminated against the red brake lights. It stayed by window until we drove away, and I watched it become smaller and smaller until I could no longer see it flapping it's wings in the dark. I wondered if perhaps I would ever see that moth again, and then i thought maybe it too was thinking the same thing about me. I decided to bank on the fact that moths don't think, and I drove away in peace.

Path

For sure one would think
that this life is not hard,
but these thoughts dwell
for those who have never been scarred.

So many times
have I drifted away
to ponder my purpose
for living each day.

Wake with the sun,
set with stars,
but numbing this pain
only goes so far.

I wake to find lives
that are struggling to live,
because of compassion
they could muster to give.

I look left to see a child
choking for love,
for the only place they will find it
is from god above.

I step right to gaze at
a family in spite,
for they know not the faces
they stare into each night.

I turn to see my brother
crying with grief,
for more times that he counts
he will turn over his leaf.

I look up to see
my sister in pain,
for she'll less of herself
with every pound she will gain.

My friends are all laughing
and dreaming of wealth,
but they cannot progress
with no knowledge of self

They are blinded by impulse
and confused with false hopes.
Perhaps they don't realize,
just how to cope.

Life is a path
and it doesn't end well.
It's a secret of truth,
that no traveler can tell.